Ari's Planet

Walking down any street in Beijing you will be approached. In the markets, "lookie lookie", or "hello" followed by a strong invitation to enter a store. Along Lotus Road, a strip of restaurants, you are approached for endless "lady bar...massage". Cab drivers stop, run after you. Artists wave blank slates, so you're not even sure what they're selling. Someone tries to sell you a map. A "student" approaches, strikes up a formulaic conversation, invites you to a tea house, an art show. Vendors, rows of them, throw sticky rubber things on pads, they regain their shape, maybe some lead for your fingers? Do you want skewered beef? Roasted nuts? Newspapers? Why shout, just record your come-on to a bullhorn, let it play, over and over. I have a solution, I will make millions!

You, foreigner, tourist special! Lady bar special not good talk to you, need cover of happiness hide mask you. The mask hide you, Chineees you bie. Vury vury spesal ofur, you gettie costum plus majik China mask make you Chinese. Lurn also special spitty kinds, all 15 hard kinds of Beijing spit, but this 40Y more, you buy. Know 1 sptiing after dinner, 3 spit after pee, 2 spit on road, and more. Extra secret spitting way, clearing of throat for long life and developed helth of lungs as Chinese medisin nows only 100Y, not know anywhere else, we teeching spittig way secret family.

I think I can retire now. Maybe I'll spend the proceeds on "The temple explodes the chicken cube" and I'll order "the dry fries huang's flamed fish" for my friend here (if you have a clew what these dishes are please enlighten me). With my windfall, I think I'll "gefvidof mole" and then hook up with the Chinese Jews who write the translations for Kungfu shows that end with "mitzvah".